


Hindsight Is Always 20/20

by errantcomment



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jotnar Loki, Loki has ~issues~, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 21:23:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/643102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/errantcomment/pseuds/errantcomment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For <a href="http://norsekink.livejournal.com/11219.html?thread=25981395">this</a> prompt on the Norsekink meme.</p><p>It boils down to: 'Darcy/Loki: Basically, show me all the ways this relationship can go horribly, hilariously wrong.'</p><p>Thanks to my beta who remains frustratingly cooler than me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hindsight Is Always 20/20

I don’t know when Loki decided we weren’t going to work—who knows what that asshole has going on in that thick skull of his—but I know when I’d had enough and it was when I’d come home to find the tub full of sea-monkeys.

 

Wait, am I telling this wrong? Maybe, actually. In fact, yeah, now I think about it the sea-monkeys were only the tip of the iceberg. It’s like, here’s me, chugging unsinkably along, and here’s my relationship with Loki, crouching in the water going SHE CAN’T EVEN SEE ME HAHA SO FUNNY. Sort of. Okay, so, let’s start with boy meets girl. Or at least, demi-god alien meets girl. I met Loki just after the whole thing in New Mexico, and okay, at first I was like, whatever, especially compared with the major beefcake of his brother, but he kind of… Got under my skin. As they led him away to wherever it is SHIELD puts dumb schmucks who destroy small town, he smiled at me. Except, you know, I didn’t know about the small town thing. Yeah, I know I know. I must’ve spaced out a bit, ‘cause at the time, I thought it was a Men In Black deal. Like, you know the bit where they’re in alien customs? Like that. Anyway, our eyes totally met. And he smiled at me. And I thought, woa. Because like, I looked at him, and you know when you meet someone and their face doesn’t really mean anything till they do this one little thing, like a wink or hair-toss or whatever and suddenly you’re like, yeah, okay, I get it. Anyway, I figured I wasn’t going to see him again, ‘cause like, I was going to get my memory erased or some shit. Actually, what happened was Coulson gave me my iPod back, told me I had great taste in music and should consider blowing the dust off my iTunes account and let me go. I signed several pieces of paper saying I’d shut my hole and that was it.

 

Or I guess it should have been. I mean, what actually happened is about three months later I got my dopey ass kidnapped. I’m still pretty pissed about that if I’m honest. I tasered a Viking god, but all it takes for the bad guys to actually get me is for some guy in a suit to go ‘Hey what’s that?’ and then stick a needle in my neck. I’m not even kidding. And it’s one of Loki’s favourite stories, because he’s a huge bitch. Anyway, so I woke up in this room and someone had stolen my backpack and my shoelaces. Which was annoying because I’d bought them specially for my Docs and they were awesome. Now some goon probably has them in his goon-boots or something. So this guy in an expensive blue suit came in and started giving it all this about how I was going to give up all my secrets and I was totally not blubbing and being all ‘I don’t know anything really’. They were just getting to the ‘we have ways of making you talk’ bit when suddenly Loki was just there. Just like, one moment not there, the next moment there. He was totally James Bond as well. He just like blasted the guards and the goon with my shoelaces (maybe, I like to think so) and then, and I swear this is true, he just opened a hole in the air and dragged me through. We came out at my apartment, which is good, because I would have felt bad throwing up and passing out on anyone else’s carpet. Turns out, teleportation is one of those things you get used to. When I came to, I was under a blanket on the couch all alone. And I thought ‘…Huh’.

 

The next time I saw Loki, he was just dressed in black skinny jeans—and I think we should all take a moment to appreciate that mental image—and a purple dress shirt. He found me at my favourite coffee-shop and bought me a muffin. Then he sat there and just watched me till I told him he was kind of creepy, thanked him for the muffin and left. I mean, sure I was intrigued, but buying me a muffin and then not letting me engulf it in peace is like the ultimate mixed message, right? Like, if I wanted someone to make me food and then judge me for eating it, I’d go see my mom. After that, I found Loki in a library. I was trying to write an essay for class, and he’d managed to find the same book that I was looking for. He wouldn’t give it to me and that pissed me off, but by the end of our short conversation I was not only enraged beyond all coherence but I also had a date. I probably should have taken it as a hint, but I didn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Loki was nothing like guys I’d dated before. In fact, it was really nice to go out with a guy who didn’t wear ironic sweaters. Or worse, an unironic fedora. And also, I dunno. It was nice. Anyway, we sort of settled into this rhythm. We bickered a lot but like, nothing that couldn’t be solved by a healthy round of wild gorilla sex and in extreme cases, cupcakes. Really fancy cupcakes. I know right? It makes you sick. I guess we’d been going out about six months. It was fall, and the perfect season for long walks in the park. See, that’s the other thing. Guy’s I’ve been out with before, well, their idea of romance had tended to go from watching them play video games to watching terrible bands with six synth players and drinking PBR. Anyway, I’d always wanted to go for a long walk in a park in the fall. And I had a day off school.

“Come on, let’s go for a walk.” I had just finished checking the weather report, and it was perfect weather.

“It’s cold.” He didn’t look up. He was reading on my couch, slouched with long legs sprawling.

“That’s the point.” I bounced on the balls of my feet. “Come on, we can have hot chocolate and everything…”

“I don’t want to.” Loki turned a page.

“Come on, I’m asking you.” I was starting to get a little irritated. Usually when Loki’s reading I can distract him eventually. But all he did was turn another page.

“I have to read this by Monday.” Loki finally looked up at me.

“I know, but you’ll have finished it by tonight anyway.” I may have been giving him puppy-eyes.

“If I’m left to read it now.” Loki almost smiled.

“All you do is read lately.” I complained. “I don’t even know why you bother to come over.”

“This couch is more comfortable than the one at the Avengers HQ,” Loki explained.

“Fine. So you’re not coming on a walk with me.”

“Nope.” And the asshole just went back to his book. Like, come on.

“Fine. I’ll go by myself.”

“Have fun.”

I stomped out of the house. And I damn well took a walk in the park. I kicked more leaves than anyone else and I had marshmallow and grated chocolate in my hot chocolate. When I got home, frozen right through and feeling sick from the cocoa, Loki was gone. In the bath, I reflected that it was always going to be the disadvantage of dating a demi-god space alien. He would just never get it. The next day Loki opened a hole in the air in my front-room and took me to a huge forest in the most divine state of fall. He had a thermos of hot chocolate and a plaid blanket. We spread it under an oak so wide it took me two minutes to walk round it. Loki helped me climb the tree and from the top I could see the forest spread out like a sea of russet and gold and red. Afterwards we fooled around under the oak tree and it was one of the most romantic dates I’d ever been on. But as we dozed after, cuddled into a blanket and Loki’s favourite black duster with the royal blue lining, a treacherous thought whispered ‘But it’s just not the same’.

 

So yeah. I guess that was the start. I mean, there were a hundred other little things. Nothing you remember, you know? Like, specifically. Anyway. I started working for SHIELD once school finished. I’m assuming because once you’ve hacked Tony Stark’s tech with some of your drinking buddies for kicks, they figure it’s better to have you inside pissing out. To be fair, I didn’t do much of the actual hacking. I just have a knack for sort of, organising other people. Like, when I got Thor a fake ID to bust him out of the SHIELD tent fort, I didn’t actually do it myself, I got my friend Pitpat to do it. Nice guy. Slightly odd opinions about Atlantis and the current government, but we all have our quirks, right? Anyway, so I was working for SHIELD. I didn’t actually see much of Loki at work, which was probably good, like, familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

 

Oh fine. Enough cockblockery. The sea-monkeys. I’d had my sea-monkeys since I was twelve. Mom wouldn’t let me have a puppy so I had I spent two week’s allowance on them. Then I kept them alive. All the way through my angsty goth phase, when I got too cool for the comics I’d ordered the little dudes from, and even when I went to college and discovered all-night parties. Every year they were carefully carpet-taped to the passenger seat of my Dad’s station wagon and then taken back to my parents’ place. Even when I got to New Mexico I hid them in the bathroom cabinet so Coulson’s stupid goons wouldn’t take them. So when SHIELD told me I was due for a trip to Cuba with Coulson—I know, SHIELD can do stuff without the Avengers, who knew?—I decided to trust Loki with the most important thing I could imagine trusting anyone with.

“You feed them from the little spoon once. And keep them out of direct sunlight. Apart from that they’re fairly low-maintenance, right?”

“Right.” Loki carefully lifted the top off the little aquarium and stuck a finger in it. I winced as he then stuck the finger in his mouth to taste the water.

“Please, just feed them. They look after themselves, okay?” I left him staring intently at the little shrimpy things. I mean, if he could save the world on a regular basis, he could look after my fish, right?

 

Okay so obviously the answer is no. I rocked up to Loki’s apartment (once he started to work for SHIELD he had insisted on moving out and when they told him no he moved out anyway). Loki answered the door. He’d been napping, and there was definitely a part of me screaming internally at the lack of underwear under his long raspberry silk robe (it’s a really long story, just go with it). I kissed him. He was rumpled and sleepy, a state I always found particularly endearing.

“When did you get back?” He yawned.

“Just now.” I dropped my suitcase and kicked off my work pumps. “Coulson was all ‘DEBRIEF DEBRIEF’ but I told him I had to go home and sleep because I’m not a SHIELD robot.”

“Of course.” Loki smiled at me. “Does that mean the debriefing is off the table?” He stalked towards me, hips rolling and silk clinging in a way that meant I had to swallow before speaking.

“Uh… I’d say it’s on the table… Definitely.”

“On the table. Good idea.” Loki pushed me backwards with one finger tip, towards the little dining-room table. I think around that point my brain made a noise like ‘fgnuh’ and suddenly I was mainly irritated that I’d decided to be ladylike and you know, where hose and panties under my skirt. Anyway, we were just getting to the good bit with the robe undone and his hand up my skirt when I knocked my hand against something. It was my sea-monkey aquarium. And it was empty. I pushed Loki’s hand away.

“What’s this?” It was a dumb question. I could see what it was.

“It’s…” For once, Loki was lost for words.

“Where are my monkeys?” I asked. I started to button my shirt. I refused to be angry and naked.

“They… I…”

“I told you to do one thing. One! Were you even listening when I told you how to take care of them?”

“Darcy, I had no idea…”

“That’s why I told you how to take care of them!” I grabbed my suitcase, putting my shoes on. I wasn’t sure where my hose or panties were and that was just making me even more pissed. “You never listen to me. Why do you even bother when clearly my puny problems are beneath your lofty-ass heights?” I slammed the door behind me. It banged me on the elbow, but I waited till I was in the cab to lick my wounds. Well, rub my elbow and swear. I mean, I know they were only a dumb show of spite for my mom, but the little bugs had stayed cheerfully bobbing though everything, from my first heartbreak to my first time. They were a stupid childhood constant in a world that was suddenly full of aliens and millionaires flying around in soup-cans. So yeah, I went home, had a cry and a long bath. I ignored six calls from Loki, I ate ice-cream till I felt sick and went to bed.

 

The next day I got up, and was totally fine till I went to say good morning to my sea-monkeys. When I got into work there was a muffin on my desk. I gave it to Sitwell, Loki’s least favourite SHIELD agent. I grumped my way through the day. You know, reports, filing, Loki is a big jerk asshole, meetings, I can’t believe he hasn’t called. Anyway. I went home at the end of the longest day ever. I had it all worked out. I was going to take a bath, eat some pizza, and then I’d finally take one of Loki’s calls. Except when I got home the bath was full of sea-monkeys. I was unimpressed by this turn of events. In fact, I was fucking pissed off. I stomped round angrily. I mean, what do you even do with a bathtub full of sea-monkeys? I called Loki and told him to get his ass around here _now_. I was so mad I hadn’t even changed out of my work clothes. Loki was dressed casually, in the hail-mary skinny jeans. I mean, I might have been hopping mad, but I wasn’t blind.

“My bathtub is full of sea-monkeys,” I said accusingly.

“Right.” Loki confirmed.

“No, not right. Wrong. Very wrong. I need a bath.”

“I’m sure they won’t mind.” Loki peered into the bathtub in a self-satisfied way. And that’s when it happened. I won’t go into detail. I mean, I was all blotchy and ‘oh it’s not you it’s me’ ‘I don’t think we’re right for each other’ and Jesus Christ he just stood there staring at me.

“Right, if that’s how you feel,” he said calmly, once I’d sort of run down. And then he opened one of his holes in the air and disappeared. So had the sea-monkeys. But it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, for a moment, I thought I’d rather have every bowl in the studio apartment filled with sea-monkeys if it meant taking back what I’d said. But the moment passed and I took a bath and ate pizza. Loki didn’t call. Okay so before you start, I’ve seen Twilight. Shut up, do you know how tiny the video store in New Mexico was? Anyway, shut up, I’ve seen it, so I’m not about to rave on at length about how I had horrific chest-burster nightmares. In fact, that first night I slept like a fricking log. Right through my alarm, in fact. I rushed into work half an hour late but Coulson didn’t say anything. Looking back, he’d probably known about the break-up before I had. I mean, okay, like, it hurt. I liked Loki a lot. He was one of the best guys I’d been out with but I don’t know. I guess I sort of buried myself in my work.

 

I didn’t see Loki for I guess a month after that. I mean, our jobs didn’t intersect that much, so it wasn’t like I was avoiding him or anything. Anyway, I literally bumped into him. I was so busy concentrating on my Starkpad for whatever reason I just walked slap-bang into him. He was dressed for work in a crisp white dress-shirt and pin-striped pants that made his legs just go on forever. I mean, damn. And I’d seen him naked.

“Oh. Sorry!” I said, flushing. Had I been staring? Well, at least I hadn’t actually drooled. Probably.

“No, it’s fine…” Loki smiled, a little smile that I only saw when no one else was around. “Look, Darcy—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” I interrupted. “I’m done, right?”

He just looked at me. Loki had a very specific way of looking at you. Like you’re the focus of the world and nothing else can possibly even… I don’t know. Anyway, that’s how I ended up in an empty office with Loki, having decided that becoming the sort of girl my mother warned me about really couldn’t be all that bad if it felt like that. I’m not particularly proud of what happened next. That is, I freaked out and got out. I was all confused. I mean, okay, the sex was amazing, but like, it was Loki. Also, after that he called me and it seemed kind of rude not to accept his invitation to dinner. We went to this little avant-garde place I’d secretly fancied going to for ages. He was polite. Reined in. I didn’t like it.

“Is everything alright?” I asked finally.

“Fine.” Loki smiled at me and gave his entrée a confused look. Which was fair enough, I had no idea what it was either.

“You’re all… Contained, is all.” I toyed with my glass. At least we’d managed to order champagne with minimum confusion.

“I felt that perhaps you found some aspects of my personality… Unpalatable.” Loki could be disarmingly frank sometimes, which I suppose is why it was so disarming.

“Don’t be stupid,” I snapped. “I like you, you dummy.”

He relaxed a little. “Do you want to get out of here?” An elegant wave took in the restaurant.

“Where will we go?” I asked. Yeah I was flirting. Sue me.

“I was thinking we could go to my apartment. I have a book you may like to borrow.”

Okay so last time Loki told me he had a book to lend me I wound up wishing I’d worn matching underwear. I raised my eyebrows at him and he arched one brow back.

“Loki, what are we doing?”

“Well, right now we’re finishing a fairly pretentious meal—” Loki began.

“No, I mean, what are _we_ doing?”

“Well, if you have no objection I would like to take you home and…” He leaned forward and purred something in my ear. I’d tell you what but I don’t quite recall. My toes curled and I bit my lip hard. I said yes. Duh. And with that, for a bit, life was good again. Loki was at his most charming and attentive, which was nice, but of course, that sort of thing never lasts. I suppose when it all blew up this time, it was technically my fault. But who’s counting, right? I mean, huh, okay, we lasted about three weeks, and then I dunno, sometimes Loki just… And I… I don’t have to explain myself to you, anyway. Jeez. You’re not my mother.

 

Anyway we didn’t talk for two weeks and then it was the office Christmas party as arranged by Tony Stark, which meant the most high-end club in the city and a new dress. I found Loki under the mistletoe. No, really. It was his first Christmas on earth. I got him a first edition copy of Edgar Allen Poe’s collected works and significantly lowered its value by scribbling _To Loki, from your Darcy_ on the it. I think he liked it. We spent Christmas Day alleviating the Catholic guilt on my father’s side and the Jewish guilt on my mother’s side with nudity and Chinese food. I met New Year’s feeling pretty optimistic. My job at SHIELD was going well and my boyfriend… Well, I figured that even though it had been a rocky path, I just might be in L-O-V-E, a feeling I usually reserve for grandma’s pie. I was just waiting for the right moment. After all, I’d never said it before.

 

Of course, it’s never that simple. And it was kind of all my fault. Coulson was making me do this project. I can’t tell you much about it because SHIELD will wipe my memory and dump me in Buttfuck Nowhere, Missouri or something but it meant reading the personnel files on the Avengers. I found a lot of reasons to be scared of Natasha Romanoff, and that Jane was Thor’s emergency contact. And I found out about Loki. Now, before you all start, I asked him if I could look at it. Poking around in anyone’s background without their permission always ends badly. So anyway, I saw that under ‘Race’ in Loki’s file it said ‘Jotun’, while in Thor’s it said ‘Asgardian’. Now, I knew that Loki’s family history was sort of complicated, though I’d like to emphasise that at this point, I hadn’t read any of the New Mexico stuff—it wasn’t relevant to the investigation I was running. So like I didn’t know the ins-and-outs, but I knew that Loki had renounced his claim to the Asgardian throne. Which always bugged me, like, for a race that does time-and-space travel like I fly to Cuba, that’s a pretty medieval means of government. But yeah, it was all a bit of a mystery. And I only knew a little about the Jotnar as well. Mostly that they weren’t very nice. Which… Did that mean Loki wasn’t nice? I dismissed the idea. Loki was, well, Loki. Anyway, judging him against the rest of his people kind of felt a little like judging a German by the Nazi party. Did I just Godwin myself? I totally did. That probably means it’s the end of the story, right?

…

No, fuck it. It’s my story and I’ll Godwin what I want when I want and if you don’t like it you can can go find another story. And don’t write to me about it. Sheesh.

 

Anyway, I got Loki over and made him dinner. I was curious, you know? Afterwards we curled up on the couch and watched _A Night At The Opera_ because Loki has a real hard-on for the Marx Brothers, and then we went to bed. Where there were also hard-ons but in a subtly different way that had nothing to do with motor-horns. Once I’d caught my breath, I took my chance. I’ve found there’s this perfect and twilight moment between sex and sleep where your whole world narrows down to the feel of your lover under your skin. Secrets whisper across the dark as easily as kisses and talk is lazy and loving, bathed in a warm after-glow that you really can’t reproduce any where else. Well, maybe with chocolate cake. 

“Loki?” I had my head pillowed on his chest, eyes shut as I concentrated on the beat of his heart and the feel of his ribs under my hand. 

“Hmm?” His fingers played along my skin comfortably, and his voice rumbled through his chest pleasantly. I cuddled into it like I would wrap it round myself like a blanket. Everything was perfect. 

In hindsight, I really should have kept my trap shut.

“I read your file this week…” 

“The thing about the horse isn’t actually true. Sif made it up after—”

“Not that, you ass. It said you were Jotun.” There. I wished I hadn’t said anything immediately. There was an almost imperceptible tension in Loki’s muscles. If I hadn’t been lying on him, I wouldn’t have noticed.

“Did it now.” He sounded calm. That scared me a little. Loki uses calm like snow. A thick blanket can muffle what’s underneath, but you can still see the post-box or the car underneath.

“Yes, but the Jotnar… Aren’t they the bad guys, at least as far as the Asgardians are concerned?”

“Yes,” Loki said, curtly, clearly done with the conversation. I’ve never been much for taking a hint though.

“But they adopted you.”

“My father—my adoptive father, I should say—is the King of Asgard. That gives him some leeway. And my true race was a secret for a long time. Even to me. Now, as you can tell, it is not.”

It’s at this point I think I should point out that if curiosity killed the cat, then as far as I’m concerned curiosity is an atom bomb and I’ve got a target painted on the top of my head.

“So… I did a little reading on the Jotnar. Because…”

“You’re incorrigible?” Loki’s tone was still light but he thrummed with tension.

“Something like that. But it said they’re blue. And tall.”

“They’re known for it.”

“So… Why aren’t you?” There. The final nail banged into the coffin.

“I’m a sorcerer. A powerful one. Even when I was a baby.”

I nuzzled into his chest. I love that swords and sorcery crap, even though Loki hated _Lord of the Rings_.

“Magic is always instinctive. You shape it with spells, but the result ultimately comes down to the user. When my adoptive father found me, my magic responded automatically. And it never found a reason to stop the illusion.” Loki paused. “Actually, that’s not how it happens at all…”

“Okay, that’s fine.” I loved listening to Loki talk, but when it came to magical theory it was sort of like when my internet buddies talk Linux. And I wanted to stay awake a little while longer yet. “So does that mean, under all this, you’re blue too?” I traced his flawless skin.

“…Yes.”

“Can I see?” I sat up and switched on the lamp.

Loki blinked against the light. “I don’t think…”

“Loki, part of being with someone is seeing all of them. Otherwise, how would it work?”

His face was carefully blank. “But Darcy…”

“Please? I need to see this. Hiding your race from me… That hurts a little. Like, did you think I’d be ashamed?” I mean, it’s not nice to realise something like that about someone you love. Loki had seen every inch of me in every possible state. In the end, I hadn’t hidden anything from him.

“Fine.” Loki stood up. I admired the line of his body as my cotton sheet fell off him. He looked at me apprehensively.

“I promise…” I started, and then fumbled for the words. “Loki. I want to love every inch of you.”

His eyes widened, and I smiled. “Loki, I love you.” Those four little words fell from my mouth and slapped Loki around the face. Good. He gaped for a moment, then nodded. Then he shut his eyes. The blue spread slowly, starting at his fingertips and in the centre of his chest. The pale pink of his skin faded. Darker blue ridges raised on his arms, legs, chest, like someone running wire under his skin. He opened his eyes, and they were the colour of fresh blood. That’s what got to me, I think. I let out a little scream and clutched at the covers. I couldn’t breathe. He was just so… So alien. I mean, he didn’t really look like Loki any more. And for all my bravado, I’d only ever seen sketches of the Jotnar. There were no photos, no science, only what the Asgardians told us. And all the time Loki had been right there. I’d started to cry, I think. I mean, he’d… We’d… Loki stared at me.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I just, oh god…” It was too much for me, and I felt like a fool. When I next looked up, Loki was gone.

 

I had fucked up. Worse, I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to fix it. I mean, honestly, how would you react if it turned out your boyfriend was a bizarre alien mix of ancient Celt and Smurf? So I tried not to think about it, shoving it to the back of my mind where I hoped some part of my subconscious would fix it. It had never worked before, but hey, there’s always a first time. Loki didn’t call, so I figured that was it. We were officially Over. For Good. And it was all my fault. Damn. Anyway, after about a week, which I mainly spent working a lot and trying to ignore the needling ache in my chest every time I saw the phrase ‘SHIELD consultant’—my research had caused me to do a lot more digging on Loki. That’s what I told Coulson, anyway. I’d never known that giving himself up had been an act of penance. In all honesty, it hadn’t occurred to me to ask. Now I felt bad for not doing so. And I found out about the New Mexico thing, but I felt like I didn’t have much room to be angry at him, after what I’d done.

 

Uh. Where was I? Oh yeah. So Coulson pulled me into his office.

“You’ve been doing an awful lot of research on Loki,” he said, abruptly. “And you were romantically involved?” I figured from ‘romantically involved’ that this meant I was in on official business.

“Yes sir.”

“Good. We need you to find him. He is essential to SHIELD’s ongoing operations.” Coulson was sat at his desk with his hands clasped in front of him. He looked composed, neutral. I tried to return the steady gaze but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Uh, sir? We broke up.”

“You’re still our best agent for the job.” Coulson sighed. “Please, take a seat Lewis.”

I did as he told me. I always did as Coulson told me. I mean, the guy was literally the boss.

“Off the record Lewis, what happened?”

“I… We… He took off about a week ago, and I haven’t seen him since.” It wasn’t a lie, and it avoided discussing my personal life. Perfect.

“Neither have we. I suggest you find him and sort this out. Neither of you appear to be any good to us otherwise.” And he dismissed me before I had a chance to get pissed about it.

 

I called Thor. He knew Loki better than anyone. I told him everything. He didn’t speak for a long moment.

“I’m sorry Thor…” I broke the silence.

“I fear it is not me you should apologise to.” Thor’s voice rumbled down the line. “My brother… His path has not been easy.”

“I know… I just. The Jotnar are so… Alien.”

“You are aware I am not of this world?” Thor sounded genuinely like he thought I’d forgot.

“I know, but you look human.” I tried not to sound like I was whining.

“My appearance is human. However, no human could wield Mjolnir. Or magic such as my brother casts.”

I scowled, even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes, I know. It’s… Look, how did you feel when you first saw Loki all Smurfy?”

That earned me another pause. I wondered if Smurf was possibly racist. Finally Thor spoke.

“Loki is my brother. He will always be my brother. He knows that.”

“Hmm…” He had a point. Damn. I sighed. “Do you know where he is?”

“There is a place I know of.”

“Can you get me there?” I was already standing up, reaching for my bag.

“Of course, but Loki…”

“Please Thor. I have to speak to him,” I pleaded.

“Fine, I shall meet you at SHIELD’s fortress in a few hours.” Good. That would give me time to sort out some different clothes. I was willing to bet that wherever Loki’s Gloomy Place was, it wasn’t the sort of place you went to in kicky heels and a smart frilly shirt. In fact, it was probably rather boggy and sad.

 

I met Thor on the roof of SHIELD HQ dressed for bear. Or at least, the sort of bears SHIELD thought I might come up against. I couldn’t tell if Coulson was being protective or if he genuinely had thought I might need the grenades. And before you ask, I hadn’t brought them with me. I’d probably pull out the pin thinking it was a can of Coke or something. Anyway, Thor came down in a blast of wind, holding Mjolnir and looking worried. I smiled up at him.

“I thought we’d take one of the choppers.” Because I could see no way that Thor could carry me and my stuff and either of us keep our dignity. I mean, one human cannot ride another in a cool way. I didn’t want to end up clinging to his back like a spider-monkey or something.

“Loki will hear a helicopter.” He pointed out, still looking troubled.

“I know, but I figure we can…”

“Whatever you have planned, you can guarantee that Loki will evade it. If he does not wish to be found, you will not find him.”

I scowled. He gave me innocent face.

“Fine, what do you suggest?” I dropped the rucksack off my back and it fell to the ground. One of the agents on the roof flinched.

“I will carry you, with Mjolnir. There’s a storm due up there. We can land under its cover.”

“No. I’m not riding you anywhere. Jane would kill me.” I put my fists on my hips.

Thor stared at me, blankly. “If you have a better way to get up there…”

I didn’t. 

Damn.

And that’s how I ended up tied to Thor’s back with a couple of webbing straps. I think Coulson was laughing at me and Tony Stark looked like he might be about to wet himself. I resolved to do something terrible to both of them. If I made it back.

 

Loki’s Gloomy Place wound up being a big mountain in the Catskills. Well, part of it, I suppose. Thor dropped me off and pointed me in the right direction.

“This is a conversation you must have by yourself. Here.” He handed me something that looked rather like a glo-stick. “If you return by yourself, break this, and one of us will come and fetch you.” I stared at the stick.

“If?”

Thor patted me on the shoulder, and I had to brace myself to remain upright. “I shall see you upon your return.” And then he started spinning his hammer again. And then I was on my own. So I started walking in the direction Thor had pointed me in.

 

It took two wet and cold hours to get to Loki. Thanks to my SHIELD issue boots, my feet were dry, but the rest of me was soaked through. And I was pretty sure I was lost. So I did the only thing I could think of.

“Looooookiiiiiiiii!” I screamed into the forest. “Get your sulky ass down here!”

Some birds exploded out of the wood. Somehow this served to only make me mad. I was cold, I was wet, I’d given up my entire weekend to haul ass out into the middle of nowhere and try and fix things with Loki. I mean, most of my previous boyfriends couldn’t even get me to go to the shops for them.

“Loki. If you don’t come down here right now I swear…”

“What? What do you swear?” I couldn’t see him immediately. His voice was mocking, cold. “You’re powerless, little girl. You could no more hurt me than you could fly away.”

“Loki. Come out. We have to talk.” It was getting dark, and I was freezing.

“I don’t see how there can be anything to talk about.” Loki stepped out of the shadows. He was in his Jotunn form and wearing jeans and an orange windbreaker that clashed with his skin. I took an involuntary step back. “You have made your feelings perfectly clear.”

“No, I screamed. That’s not perfectly clear. That’s me screaming.” Loki rolled towards me. I stood my ground this time.

“Do I disgust you?” He said, inches from me. “I see your fear, Darcy. I can almost smell it.”

“You’re scaring me because you’re in my bubble,” I retorted, pushing him away. He barely moved, but at least my voice didn’t shake.

“You’re terrified of what I could do. A week ago, you were on your knees before me. How would you feel about it now?” He grabbed my arm. It didn’t hurt, but it could.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I was starting to get angry now, overriding my relief at finding him, and more importantly, the little thread of fear that still shivered down my spine.

“I’m the monster you fear. That’s all I am.” Loki drew back a few inches, as though to strike. I was reminded absurdly of Dracula.

“Let go of me, Loki.” My anger cleared my head. “Do you really think the way to show me you’re not a monster is to act like one?”

Loki dropped me, and gave me a disdainful look. I held my chin up like it didn’t hurt. “I… I’ve come to ask you to come back.”

“For SHIELD? Are you their… Goon now?” I almost smiled at the Americanism.

“SHIELD sent me, but I didn’t come for them. I came because I was horrible to you, and I wanted to say sorry.”

Loki blinked. “Sorry? For having a perfectly natural reaction to finding out you’ve been sharing a bed with the monster that should lurk under it?”

“Oh my god. Is that seriously what you think? I freaked out. You were blue!” I paced a bit. “Loki, I love you. And I realised that that means I love you when you’re a Smurf and when you’re a hot British guy.”

“You realised?”

“Thor helped.” It’s not my fault I’m not good with emotions. I have a Jewish mother, for god’s sake. You want passive-aggressive resentment, I’m your girl.

“You talked about our relationship with Thor. Of all people.” Loki looked pained, and I gave him my worst look.

“It’s not like you were there to talk about our relationship.” I pointed out. I stepped forward. “Look, Loki…”

“I came here to be alone. It’s clear to me now that I can never hope to truly fit in anywhere. That I am… Tainted.”

“You’re an idiot.” I was standing in front of him now. “I didn’t know what my reaction would be. But I had to see it. And it’s clear that I didn’t mind too much, in the long run. Otherwise I wouldn’t be standing in the middle of a damp wood freezing my ass off.”

“You would if SHIELD asked it of you.” Loki drew back from me again.

“Is that really what you think of me? If I was that scared or mad I wouldn’t even be here. Not for SHIELD, not for Coulson, not even for Stark’s puppy-dog eyes. He misses you, by the way. Or at least, he said I should call you Tony when we had make-up sex.”

Loki laughed again, and I took his hand. His skin felt different like this. Heavier, almost a little like plastic. He saw my face and pulled away. I took it again.

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, Loki.” His nails were black. Not painted black, but black from the inside. “It’s a lot to take in. But I love you. I want this to work. All of it.”

Loki squeezed my hand. “Fine. This is a terrible idea, I hope you know that.”

“Our whole relationship is a terrible idea.” I smiled though.

He managed a half-smile back. “You know, I do love you.”

“I figured.” I poked him in the side. “Can we go home now? I’m cold.”

He opened a hole in the world. We went home.


End file.
